Ladies and gentlemen, the moment you’ve all been waiting for is finally here: it’s time to check in on my preseason MLS predictions. You’ve had them by your bedside all season, checking my progress after every matchday. Whether you’ve marveled at my genius or found joy in my folly, I know you’ve been refreshing our website every day with bated breath as you anxiously awaited the follow-up article.

I’m ready to defend myself; some takes have definitely aged better than others. By the time the season ends, though, I’m sure the league will have sorted itself out and I’ll be right about everything. Gosh, I’m so sick of being right all the time.

As I’m sure you all remember, I opted not to include the Loons in my league-wide predictions because they are clearly going to win everything. That’s right, everything. bUt KylE, tHEy’Re oUt oF tHe UsOC anD iN 10th PlaCe. You know what I have to say to that?

Can it.

As every coach has said at some point, there’s plenty of soccer left to be played. Besides, this article isn’t about us; it’s about everybody else. Quit distracting me.

We’re gonna do things a bit differently this time around. I’m still breaking the league down by conference, but we’ll be focusing on how my predictions stack up to the current standings rather than doing a team-by-team analysis. I broke each conference down into four groups last time around: contenders, playoff locks, fighting for the postseason, and participation trophies incoming. I’ve brought the original groups back and organized each club by their current standing so we can check my accuracy.

Eastern Conference:

Contenders:

• FC Cincinnati (1)

• Philadelphia Union (3)

• Toronto FC (12)

Let’s start with the positives here. Cincy is absolutely flying right now, so I’m gonna “Pat” myself on the back for that one. They have an eight-point lead in the Supporters’ Shield race, and that’s seriously impressive this early in the season. Philly had a bit of a rough start, but they’re playing some really nice soccer right now and seem to be back to their old selves. Two of my top three are actually in the top three right now, so we’re gonna say I passed this section with flying colors.

We can’t move on without addressing the elephant in the room: Toronto FC. I had so much faith! My eye was caught by the shiny, super-expensive roster they put together. But they’ve been pretty … disorganized, to say the least. Hope isn’t totally lost for Bob Bradley and his Italian Stallions quite yet, but they definitely won’t be finding themselves at the top of the standings any time soon.

Playoff Locks:

• Nashville SC (2)

• Columbus Crew (6)

• New York Red Bulls (11)

Come on now, am I psychic or what?! Columbus has been among the league’s most entertaining teams this season, tied for most goals scored and absolutely electric every time they’re on the ball. They’re liable to let a few goals slip past most games, making for end-to-end soccer that you can’t take your eyes off of. They’re currently in sixth, but they’re only three points back from third-place Philly and looking stronger each week. Aidan Morris’ breakout season is definitely worth tuning in for if you get the chance.

The less said about the Red Bulls, the better. They’re closer to the bottom of the standings than they are to an automatic playoff spot, and aside from John Tolkin, they’ve been pretty mediocre so far. Nashville, on the other hand, is setting the league on fire. A ring of fire, you could say. Hany Mukhtar is as amazing as ever, pushing his team to their current nine-game unbeaten run and leading the Golden Boot race once again.

Another two-for-three sounds pretty good to me. Keep those colors flying as I prepare for my victory lap.

Fighting for Postseason:

• New England Revolution (4)

• Atlanta United FC (5)

• Orlando City SC (7)

• D.C. United (8)

• Charlotte FC (10)

Admittedly, this is a pretty big and generic pot. Of course they’re fighting for the playoffs. Nine teams are going to make it after all. But you can’t tell me that these teams aren’t more likely to make it than my final four. I’m sticking to my guns here, whether you like it or not, and I’m calling this a win. Giakoumakis has seemingly fixed Atlanta this year; Wayne Rooney has breathed a bit of life back into soccer in our nation’s capital; Bruce Arena has the Revolution overachieving; and Orlando is just average enough to be smack dab in the middle of everything.

Charlotte is a tougher one to analyze. They either play a tight game or throw caution to the wind and let loose a total goalfest; there’s really no in between for these guys. They have all of the tools they need to make the playoffs outright. They just need to find the mental fortitude to use them properly.

Participation Trophies Incoming:

• CF Montréal (9)

• NYCFC (13)

• Chicago Fire FC (14)

• Inter Miami FC (15)

Here we are, at the bottom of the barrel. Check the current standings: Miami’s last, Chicago’s right in front of them, and NYCFC is locking down that 13th spot. If Montréal hadn’t exploded in their last match, they would be in 12th, and I would have looked like a dang time traveler. Alas, it wasn’t meant to be.

None of these teams have excited me, though Chicago has definitely had some encouraging moments. A certain Argentinian number 10 is supposedly on his way to Miami, and that would certainly excite me a great deal. The best player to ever play the game could single-handedly reverse the fortunes of David Beckham’s club, but they’ve dug quite a hole halfway through this year.

Would you look at that? We ran out of time; it looks like the Western Conference will have to wait. Let’s just say I got everything spot on and call it a day.

Apparently, I am not allowed to publish a half-finished article. I humbly ask for mercy here; the West hasn’t really gone according to plan so far.

Western Conference:

Contenders:

• Seattle Sounders (2)

• FC Dallas (4)

• Sporting Kansas City (9)

• Austin FC (12)

As Gennaro Gattuso would say, sometimes maybe good, sometimes maybe … not so good. I knew Seattle would rise back to the top this year, and I don’t think FC Dallas has ever not been in fourth place. Two wins for me there, but they were layups.

What the heck, Austin? McConaughey’s men are dropping a real stinker this year, and it’s not alright. Driussi has been a shell of himself, and that seems to have taken the wind out of everyone else’s sails. SKC, on the other hand, is picking up at the right time. Despite their abysmal start, Peter Vermes is steadily guiding his team back up the table, with just six points separating them from third place at the moment.

Playoff Locks:

• LAFC (3)

• Portland Timbers (8)

• Real Salt Lake (11)

• LA Galaxy (13)

I’m not quite sure how to feel about this section. LAFC are clearly going to be in the postseason after earning 26 points in just 14 games. I still don’t think they’ll repeat as champions, but only time will tell. Portland has been average, but that’s all they ever need to be. They have an annoying habit of squeaking into the playoffs and hitting form at the right time, and this just feels like one of those years. RSL is right where everyone would expect them to be—within touching distance of the playoffs but definitely not making much noise. Their recent acquisition of Chicho Arango could change that, though, as his goal-scoring ability might breathe new life into the pride of Utah.

Here’s the fun one. LA Galaxy have been going THROUGH it this season. Any momentum they’ve found on the pitch has been short-lived, interrupted by off-field chaos or unfortunate injuries. The club that was once the league’s crown jewel is losing its luster like never before, and I have no idea how they’re going to turn it around.

Fighting for Postseason:

• San Jose Earthquakes (5)

• Vancouver Whitecaps (6)

I don’t really have much to say here. Both San Jose and Vancouver have gotten some good results, suffered a few bad ones, and generally made themselves just relevant enough to warrant some praise. Cade Cowell and Brian White have looked good this year, but both teams are missing that extra wow factor to push them into serious contention.

Participation Trophies Incoming:

• St. Louis CITY SC (1)

• Houston Dynamo FC (7)

• Colorado Rapids (14)

Well, I got Colorado right, but who didn’t see that coming? They need some energy out there in Commerce City. While I stand by my reasoning for the other two, I’m warming up to the idea that I may have been wrong about St. Louis and Houston. Houston could still go either way, but I like the way they’ve looked recently, especially Corey Baird and Aliyu Ibrahim.

The Gateway to the West has been defying expectations all year long, but they had some help doing that early on. Bone-headed mistakes and careless giveaways put Joao Klauss and company off to a dream start, with five wins in their first five MLS games. They’ve hung around the top ever since, annoying me every moment of my life as they expose me for what I thought was a safe prediction.

So what do you think? How am I doing? I’m pretty proud, but I know I’ll be even happier when everybody finally gets it together and makes my predictions even more perfect. I have no more hot takes for you; I’m standing by my original thoughts, down to the last team. Mark my words, somehow St. Louis will finish last, and we’re winning the whole dang thing.